What am I going to do? I don’t have a job. I do have an apartment that I’m still able to afford renting for now, so I have a home. I have plenty of frustrations in my life. Every other week I feel suicidal enough to text with the suicide hotline for support. I have two therapists and a psychiatrist. They do what they can with me. I’m not a lost and hopeless cause but my past trauma is complex and difficult to deal with on a daily basis. I remember things that make me feel sad. I remember things that make me feel angry and ashamed. I remember things that make me feel confused. None of it is pleasant.
I don’t even know really how to express myself right now. It’s hard to type because I need to cut my fingernails. My hair is wet because I showered for the first time in a week or so. I have plenty of things to complain about, if you just give me a chance I can list them all. The funniest thing to me was when I told my EMDR therapist that “I’m fat.” She said right back to me without hesitation, “I’m fatter.” That solved that problem. I didn’t have anything more to complain about on that front. I just laughed and couldn’t stop smiling about that response. It’s good to have experiences where you can smile in therapy. It’s therapeutic to be able to smile, even if it’s only for a short while.
I have to take a shit. I have a friend whose nine year old child refuses to take a shit unless he can shower afterwards. So he won’t go to the bathroom at any public place and gets in a bad mood if he has to poo. So I guess my problems aren’t that bad after all if I can shit anywhere I please. Shitting having been taken care of since, I can now focus on other things. Like how discouraging and disappointing and how almost hopeless it is, applying to jobs in the Covid-19 era of life. So many people, thousands of people are unemployed right now, and many people are looking for a job to pay their bills, just like I am. I’m lucky that I have some savings to get me by. Not everyone is that lucky. I guess that makes me really really lucky.
I finally convinced a friend to try going to therapy. I’m taking her tonight and I am paying for the first session. I insisted. I’ve been wanting her to go to therapy for years and finally things are so bad in her life that she’s willing to give it a shot. Therapy has done amazing wonders for me in my life so I definitely recommend it, but you have to make sure you find the right therapist. You’ll just know if it’s the right therapist for you. I had to go through seeing several therapists before I found the right one. And I’ve been seeing him for the past 12 years. Imagine that, over a decade and a third of my life. Like I said earlier, I guess I’m lucky. I made it out of an abusive relationship. Not all women are able to make it out alive.