Learning how to live again

I tend to hate myself. Really. I don’t like myself. I see of myself as a bad person. It’s not helpful with my outlook on life. I seem to think I have this really hard life, when in actuality, I don’t have a hard life right now. It used to be difficult, but now it’s perhaps just the memory of the difficulties that I am living with. But I see myself as a bad person because I was told I am bad. Of the six years that I was married, all throughout those years, I was told I am a “bad girl” by my ex-husband. He beat me down. He wore me down on the self worth. And now it’s my job to build that back up again. I’m not a bank robber and I’m not a murderer. I stole a few things when I was a kid. My brother and I stole toys from each other. But that’s about the worst I’ve done. I was always a good student, and a good citizen. I’m actually a good person, noble, humble (maybe too much), kind, respectful, caring, generous, concerned for others’ well-being sort of person. I do well with taking care of others. I’m a nice person. I just don’t believe it.

I was told I was a bad person. That is in the past. I need to start thinking of myself as good, and as deserving. I deserve good things in life. I treated myself to sushi and sake tonight. It was really delicious. I had seaweed salad as well. I’m really glad I can afford to go out to dinner, because some people cannot afford that. Food is a big expense in my life. I just need to live on my own again one day, and that means rent will be a big expense one day too. I am a good person. Keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will believe it.

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