It’s probably good that I wasn’t home tonight to have wine. No, it’s really good. When I was at work today, all I could think of was bed. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be able to crouch down and curl up and hide under the covers of the familiar surroundings of my blanket and pretend that I wasn’t at work. I wanted to sleep at my desk in the morning. I felt sluggish. The pace of my productivity was marred by the need for solitude and being alone, hiding out I’ll say once again. Because it is hiding. By afternoon I was desperate to run out of the office building, to my car, away from that desk and computer and office surroundings. But I didn’t. I stuck to it. I stayed at work, only took an hour for my lunch break instead of more, stayed until 5:35 PM. I got there on time and I left after eight hours. Eight hours of uninterrupted being at my desk, periodically and too often staring off to the side of my computer, taking mental breaks. I need a lot of mental breaks when I am at work. It helps me get through the stress of the day.
My retired professor friend met with me tonight right after work. He is such a sweetheart. Just down-to-earth and real, genuine, honest, fun. Yes, he’s even fun. He always has a good, innocent story to tell. And we are friends. It’s not therapy. We both talk about our lives. Sometimes he gives me advice about my life, and I don’t mind it. He’s there to help me and to listen to me and to provide kindness in my life. We met at our usual place, Starbucks by the Barnes & Noble bookstore, then went to the food court at that mall and he treated me to a Thai tea with a side of baklava, which was very messy with honey dripping all over the place. I wasn’t hungry for dinner because I had had a big lunch. I returned the $100 bill that he had given to me as a loan, just in case I needed it since I had filed for bankruptcy and my money was frozen at the bank for a few days. That was scary. I couldn’t even buy groceries and I didn’t have any cash on hand. He saved me that day by lending me the cash. Thank goodness for friends, and smart friends at that. One should always carry cash, just in case.
I feel pretty good. I didn’t go home and crawl into bed, which is what I had wanted to do. I went out and had a productive, friendly session with my teddy bear of a friend. He also gives the best hugs. They’re not too tight, and I hang on for longer than would be normally comfortable in a social situation, but he doesn’t mind, he just takes it in and waits until I’m done hugging him. He walked me to my car. I got to message him when I got home safely. And I even showered tonight. Showering has been a challenge since my depression surmounted me and I know I have to go to work with clean, not greasy, hair. It just looks better when it’s washed. I do my best. I shower two or three times a week, as little as possible. Maybe one day I will enjoy showering again. My female friend and I talk often about this, and she encourages me to shower. After doing something I don’t like I have to reward myself, so I am writing this blog. Writing almost seems like a reward. The reading a chapter of the book I have could also possibly be a reward, however, there is a murder mystery element to the book and I don’t want to go to bed thinking about red blood and gory murders. I don’t need the reminder. I wish that wasn’t part of the book I picked up but unfortunately it is, and I still want to make it through to the end of the book, just so I can have the accomplishment of having finished a book. I need to add positive experiences to my life, and having goals to reach, accomplishments, is a positive experience.
I have an interview this Saturday for a new roommate situation. I’m looking forward to it because it’s in a good neighbourhood. The rent would be expensive, but the person I’d be renting from is willing to wait the couple months that I need, and I think she wants to find the right person. I am that right person and I hope it works out. I have been over and over again and again on the verge of needing to move. The pressure to move is all self-induced. No one is making me leave where I am right now but ever since I moved in here ten months ago I have not liked it. I don’t like the people that rotate in and out of the rented rooms. I don’t like the owner, who lives here too. And I definitely don’t like not having my own bathroom. I have tons of anxiety about moving, but I also know that there are professional movers that help with that sort of stuff. What better way to alleviate stress than to hire someone who does it for a living, packing and moving. All I would have to do is the unpacking. I can do that. For sure.
I have stopped going to my support group meetings. Me and a friend agree that being around people who are unwell and share in suffering of mental illness can also be a depressant, and possibly hold me back from living a well-rounded and healthy life. Another friend said, as I have mentioned before, just go for the entertainment of it. People talk about their problems, we listen, and then listen to the feedback from the group members, whilst I play with play-dough in my hands, which they provide as an anxiety-coping mechanism to help alleviate stress while sitting there. But going to group is not always helpful, and as I’ve gotten to know a couple people in particular, there are some individuals that I’d rather stay away from and not subject myself to. So I haven’t been for the past two Mondays and I’m feeling pretty good about it so far.
Bed time. Must force myself to go to bed now because it always takes me a while to fall asleep after I’ve turned off the lights. And I have to remember to take my medication. Every night I have to remember that I have medication to take. It’s difficult, sometimes, emotionally, for having to take it, but if I try to make it part of my going to bed routine, maybe it will become easier. I’m finally going to see a doctor in a month to see if I need to get my medications updated, or if I can finally ease off of medications all together. That would be ideal. It’s a hassle, but also, philosophically speaking, as my therapist put it for me, I don’t want to take medications in general because I believe in trying to cope without them. But there’s something to be said about body chemistry, and coping with the help of psychotropic medications. Depression definitely has a biological component and is affected by diet, weather, stress, and certain pills.