New What?

I haven’t been around my computer for a week so I haven’t written a much-needed blog until now. It’s the new year and I’m not feeling new anything. I didn’t celebrate the holidays. I just stayed in bed. It’s what I do. I stay in bed. And I hate my life. I hate living. I wish I could just die somehow peacefully in my sleep. Yet, my mom fought so hard to give us a good life. I couldn’t do that to her. So what now? Go to work, a job that I hate, a job that I can barely tolerate to do what? Earn another days’ wages so that I can live independently and not off the state? It’s too hard to get government assistance anyway, and it’s not enough to live off of. Certainly not if I want to eat in restaurants.

I don’t know what to do with my life. That has been my conundrum for the last six months. Do I go back to school and do something I’m really interested in? I hate where I live. Do I move in with a 55-year-old male roommate who believes the 1930’s depression is going to hit again soon? Like this year. That’s who I recently interviewed with. I don’t know. It’s bad in my current living situation so I’m almost wanting to move anywhere. I don’t even have to be on the lease, which is good, because I recently filed for bankruptcy and getting on a lease would be hard. But then not being on the lease means I’m there not legally and he said nothing has to be in writing. That’s not good. I don’t know what to do! Help me!

I don’t like living. I don’t like being alive. It doesn’t matter where I live. I still won’t like living. So what do I do when I am feeling like this? How do I keep living when I just really don’t want to? I can’t lose my job so I’m just going to go to work tomorrow, Monday. And the next day. And I get to see my therapist. Things have to get better, right? Today I am asking a lot of questions because I don’t have the answers.

I feel oppressed. I feel the weight of the world on me. It’s too difficult to drag myself out of bed. So I spend my days off in it. I don’t have any hobbies any more. I don’t work out at the gym, except once a month. I’m not an interesting person! No one would want to spend time with me. And those that do, it confuses me why they do it. What is wrong with me? Help me. Just help me. I am in despair and I cannot seem to pick myself up.


One thought on “New What?

  1. I just wanted to say, I think you are so strong for your ability to put a voice to your struggles. You “own” your pain, telling it like it is, unashamed. You put yourself completely out there. That vulnerability is strength. You’re a fucking warrior, my friend. You are incredible, and though you may not feel that way, please take into consideration when I say that you are a role model for me–in terms of your brutal honesty to yourself and your blog readers, open dialogues, and numerous candid insights that resonate so much with me. 💪🏼💎🌊🌹

    Liked by 1 person

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