Relapse

Every once in a while, more often than I would like to admit, I have a relapse. Tonight, because my new roommate signed the lease, I bought champagne, aka alcohol. I’m not supposed to drink alcohol, but because I’m an adult and I use my own “wise” discretion, I make allowances for myself. I drank tonight. I thought I would moderate by using the following ploy: I bought four little bottles, single-serving. The only problem is, I had three of those little bottles on my own, and the fourth one I shared. So, I’m pretty drunk.

I have to drink in moderation. And when I drink, I have to make sure I promise to not do anything drastic. I have one person that I always check in with almost every day by text message. He never asks anything of me other than that I stay safe and continue to be kind to myself. It has always been that way. I check in with him and I tell him what I’m about to do, and he usually has sage advice. Always, actually. He really cares. I barely know him but it has been like this for over a year and he’s always just there for me. He cares. It is very reassuring to know.

I could call the warm line. There’s a warm line in my county where I live. It’s for people who need someone to talk to who have no one else to talk to. It’s for people who are contemplating suicide but not actually going to do anything, because the crisis line only wants to talk with people in crisis. They are staffed by professionals, not by volunteers, and they assess the situation. Writing about it makes me want to immediately check in to a hospital. That has been my default emotion for some time. I feel as if, were I to check in to a hospital, I would be taken care of. But they are only there to keep me safe. They aren’t there to do helpful psychotherapy with me, to determine why it is that I feel I need to be kept safe, or not. All in all, it’s not good for me to be inpatient, even though it’s what I want. I want to go into the hospital. I want to be kept safe.

Help me. Help me. Help me. How do I get help when all this time I have been asking for help and barely anyone can hear me? Barely anyone is listening. I am all alone. My family cares for me, but they are not here and they don’t know the hell that I live through each day. They don’t know what it takes for me to wake up every day, for me to go to work, to commit to a life of living. I want to change. I want this to change in my life, but I don’t know how. How do I make these changes? Can I do it on my own? Where is my therapist when I need him?

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