Sumptuous Energy

Today is just a normal day. I am getting through the work day. I have little to no anxiety and I am fully engaged with work which means I am not feeling depressed. Lucky me. Some people have it not so lucky. I messaged a friend recently and she has been having suicidal thoughts and feelings all day. There is nothing I can do for her unless she calls me. Otherwise she is stuck in her hell by herself. And believe me, I know what that feels like.

I am a female. I am a woman. Being a woman means I have curves. Body image is often an issue for some people. Not so much for me. But I am self-conscious. I find myself always looking at people’s bodies and comparing myself to them. Look at that flat stomach, how I wouldn’t mind having that, if I just ate less, worked out more, dieted. But I have what I have and for the most part I’m fine with it. I usually try to hide myself behind clothes that do not show off my figure. Loose t-shirts at the gym. Last night I had my Express outfit on with a shirt that dipped low and I tried to see what it would be like. I didn’t get any attention, and that was good. Everyone kind of just does their own thing in the gym. People don’t make eye contact much. It’s a solitary sport. But the things that some people wear, I would not wear: walking around in short shorts and barely-there shirts.

I don’t have much to complain about. I have a future, a present, and a past. The harsh effects of my past are slowly fading, even though remnants creep back into my life from time to time. I have family and I have some friends who care about me. I just have to remember that they care. I was recently reminded that positive self-talk can be helpful. And so, I can do this. I can.

I have dreams. I want to go back to school. I am already in school but not working toward a degree, just taking classes. And they’re engaging and not always easy. I would like to be a full time student and get my next degree, but first I have to make it into the school. I have to apply and be accepted, and for me, that is where the challenge lies.

Being a helper takes a lot of practice and I haven’t had much practice yet. Talk therapy has helped me so much and I know it can change lives and make a difference. There are so many things that a helper must pay attention to. I think that self-disclosure would be my biggest challenge because I need to focus the session on the client and not on me. I have made a couple good contacts in the class of students who will be working in the mental health field after getting their certifications and degrees and I think it will be good to stay in contact with them. Hopefully in two years I will be talking about how difficult it is to be a student, and not about this work that I am doing.


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