Knocked down

Restricting food was a stupid, stupid idea. Of all the ideas I have had lately, this one was just really stupid. You need food to function. You need food to concentrate, to be able to make sound decisions. I only lasted two days. I just can’t do it. Plus one of my support people talked me out of it. Punishing one’s self is also stupid. I don’t deserve punishment. I’ve had enough trauma in the past, thank you very much. These last two days I was getting dizzy spells, I was in a bad mood, I couldn’t concentrate at work and the scary thing was that when I was driving I wasn’t able to make split-second decisions that you have to make and I changed lanes without looking for cars. That kind of stuff isn’t me. I’m a good driver, and I’m good at my job. I am a successful person. I am a success story. One day someone will be looking up to me as a role model and I better damn well fill those shoes.

Today I had two protein powder shakes, a cup of soup at lunch and an avocado and five chips with hummus for dinner. I might not eat much again tomorrow but it’s far better than not eating anything. I was thinking, “I’m going to show him”. If I can’t cut then I’m going to starve myself. Take that! But it’s not hurting my therapist, it’s hurting me. I am angry with my therapist and I think also angry with myself for breaking a promise. I hadn’t cut myself in a long time, in several years, and I regressed to what we call in DBT as “old coping” (rather than bad coping).

So I’m going to eat. Which means my quality of life will be good. And food is something I can now appreciate more.

When I came home my roommate was grilling chicken. It smelled so good and I was so hungry. Even for a vegetarian, I couldn’t deny how appetizing the aroma was. I would never eat it, but I did chow down afterwards on the avocado and chips. I think that my support person will be really happy with me, and I do depend on other people’s approval. I need other people’s approval in order to feel good about myself. It’s not a good trait, although, maybe it’s a human trait. Mine is just more expressly pronounced than others. It’s what lead to me being able to be abused. My abuser would deny love and communicate strong disapproval if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. Those were some traumatic years that are now behind me. This is why I deserve to be kind to myself. I regressed for two days but now I am bouncing back to continue my path toward wholeness and health.

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One thought on “Knocked down

  1. Being able to recognize when and WHY you’re engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms, then stop them because you know you deserve better, shows so much progress. That’s extremely hard to do, especially with the self-destructive impulses that come on so suddenly and strongly (I’m no stranger to them either 😒). But even though you succumbed briefly, you were able to pull yourself back up and fight back. That’s amazing work and demonstrates a crazy amount of mental fortitude. Battle on, my brave friend. 🏔💪🏼✨

    Liked by 1 person

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