My Loneliness

Classes are finished for the semester and all of a sudden I feel lonely during my evenings. Although it was only twice a week they occupied my mind most days and most evenings. I was always reading a text book or writing a paper. Now I feel as though I have nothing. I feel empty again. I’m supposed to fill that space with more studying, but this kind of studying, this long-term commitment for a difficult exam, it’s not fun or exciting or entertaining. It’s grunt work.

I have been doing a lot of internal processing over the last month. That’s why I haven’t written in my blog. I needed to turn all of my energy inward and to be introspective. But now, with classes suddenly ripped away from me at a halt, my life is slowly falling apart again. I need the structure. I can keep it together. This is just a different kind of existence.

I could go to the gym, but truthfully, I’ve never enjoyed going, and I still don’t. It’s mundane trudgery. I would much rather be outside and go for a walk, but I’m afraid of the outside if I’m alone. I don’t like the idea of so many cars driving by on the busy streets around my residence.

What to do then with my time? Get a part time job? Start volunteering? Take another class? There could be so many distractions, but no, I have to study for the GRE. I want to make it into grad school, don’t I?

How do people do it? How do people decide to become therapists? How do they make it through the years of studying and training? All of that preparatory work to then discover, you don’t know anything, and your work has to be invented anew each time a client walks into your door, because every individual is unique and has special needs for accommodation.

My dream is to become a therapist, to become that person who helps people make changes in their lives, who helps a person become stronger, better, more self-assured. To spread positivity and grace and love in the world. To give a piece of myself away to a greater cause.

Right now I would rather just sleep. But that end-goal, which isn’t an end, but a beginning, is what keeps me going. If I can only slowly inch toward that unreachable height of being. The academic discipline that it takes to get there. I have it in me.

Back to the loneliness. Having sufficiently distracted my mind for several paragraphs I am feeling less empty. Despite the fact that I have a roommate I feel alone. We are born into this world alone and we die alone. But I am alone now too! I suspect it would be the same story were I to be in an intimate relationship. It’s just where I am in life right now. Trying to find my equilibrium, my place on this earth.

Existential thoughts come and go, like floating clouds amidst the turbulent waters of my mind. What is my purpose here in this world? How can I help people? How do I help myself? What is the point of going to work every day, every week, every month, as the years pass by. Is it a worthy cause? Is it a means to an end, or a new beginning? Will I ever realize my dreams? I want to have enough financial means to be able to take care of my mom when she is elderly. She deserves that much at least.

I am slowly adding meaning and purpose to my life, but it is a very slow process. I actually have to have patience. I could drown my thoughts out by watching television every night, but luckily I don’t own a TV and I can focus on activities that build me from within. I have to find activities to do.

I feel like crawling into bed right now and closing my eyes and pretending to be asleep, not a part of the world. In a sense, that is giving up. Every minute that I stay awake I am somehow engaging with the world, with myself, building my purpose, my esteem, my thinking skills. I need to not sleep my days away, yet that is precisely what I do every darn weekend. I cannot function. I cannot bring myself to do things in the light of the day. When I’m not obligated to be somewhere by work or school, I shut down, disintegrate into the cold earth beneath my feet, recede into the shadows of my dark sense of being.

Help me! Can’t someone just help me?? I could go to an anonymous chat room and try to connect with strangers for a while. It’s not the most productive use of my time but I’m reduced to that at times. I just want to connect. I want to be heard. I want to know that I matter and that I am important enough to be suffering through my daily struggle of life. Don’t we all feel this way?

The local Liquor Mart sounds pretty attractive right now.


One thought on “My Loneliness

  1. I feel you so much on this… So much love to you, friend. I too need the structure of classes to get me through my days–winter break was extremely hard on me, because my routine was suddenly changed, and Depression and all my other illnesses hit full-force. If I wasn’t taking an intensive summer class now, I can honestly say that I don’t know if I’d be alive. I NEED that motivation, that purpose, the incentives of graded assignments, the busywork to occupy my disordered mind. Thank you for writing another beautifully open, heartbreaking post that I can relate to so much. I feel like your words are a warm cotton blanket, straight from the dryer, that I can wrap myself around and sink into. Please keep writing entries like this. Trust me, they will save somebody’s life.

    Liked by 1 person

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