In Preparation

Today has been a good day, although trying and not without difficulties. I managed to get out of bed today to meet my semi-retired professor friend at 11:00 for coffee at the usual place. We meet at a Starbucks that is attached to a Barnes & Noble. I love book stores although I rarely go to them. They’re full of endless possibilities. I have known this friend for four years now. I can’t believe it. We spent four hours together at the coffee shop in the mall. We talked about so much, and all of it was to ground me and prepare me for Tuesday, my talk with the district attorney. It will be an important marker of my healing process. Once my story is told, officially to authorities who have the power to convict, then there’s nothing else I can do. That’s it. It’s out of my hands. I wash my hands clean of the past. They will know that he watches child pornography, is a rapist, and a master manipulator, though the latter isn’t a crime. I’m so curious to see if the case goes anywhere. If it went to trial I would have to put my whole life on hold. But that’s all speculation. I have to focus on me, my mental well-being, and focus on just telling the story. I’m so nervous! But the victim advocate said I don’t have to be worried because the DA will direct the conversation and will be the one asking the questions.

I don’t want to talk about my trauma today. I can skirt around the issue. At the end of our day, after my friend having shared stories of child molestation, and how he, as a professor of child development and having taught sex ed. classes, helped victims get out of those situations, I spoke with him about me wanting to write a book. If it’s non-fiction he said I wouldn’t be able to change any of the names or details. I want people to know what happened to me but I don’t want to expose myself to the world, I want to do it anonymously. So it would have to be a fiction book “based on a true story”. My story doesn’t have any sort of happy ending in it; I’m still in the middle of it. But I’ve come so far. I would have to imagine a happy ending for a book though.

I’m just resting now. Part of writing this is for healthy self-evaluation and reflection. It gives my mind a break whilst I therapy myself in this way. It helps me to focus my thoughts. I had microwaved from frozen pesto tortellini and didn’t wait for it to cool down, so now I have a burned owie spot on my tongue. Then I finished my Haagen Dazs white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream and I’m pretty content. It is said to not go shopping when you’re hungry, and that’s why I have ice cream in my freezer and Milano cookies in the pantry.

I have to go to an adult birthday party soon. I would much rather it be a kids’ party. I don’t feel like going. I don’t want to socialize with a bunch of people right now. And I want all my energy focused on the statement I’m going to be giving on Tuesday. But my friend today said that I can go for just a little while and then go home. I bought her a candle at Bath & Body Works because I didn’t know what else to get her and I know she likes candles. She reads a lot but I forget what sort of books she enjoys. I enjoy reading about psychology, especially fictional stories of psychotherapeutic sessions such as the work by Dr. Irvin Yalom.

Alright, I just got caught up the last half hour looking at posts on my newly “liked” Yalom Facebook page. So many positive comments. It’s so cool that his work has been translated into so many languages. Well, that was a distraction. I am just breathing right now. I took a moment to put my head in my hand. One might have thought I was looking down in shame. No, I’m just exhausted thinking about Tuesday with the DA. It has been my entire focus for the last two weeks. Of course it brings up bad memories. My therapist told me this is normal and part of the process. Hopefully when I am done telling my story I will be able to begin putting the past in the past and leaving it there.

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