To the future wife of my ex-abuser and ex-husband,
Soon you will be a newlywed. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this. I would like to believe that people can change. But people like your future husband do not change, unfortunately. You may or may not know that he was sexually abused when he was two and a half years old. Not all abusers become abusers, but this was not a unique case. This man you are about to marry became one of those abusers.
I’m sure you like the gifts he gives you, the clothes he buys you, the expensive restaurants he takes you out to, the expensive car he drives, the nice home you probably share together. Just know, that ultimately, those gifts come with a price. Someone like this man does not give for the sake of giving. He expects much in return. He expects fierce loyalty, so much so, that you would do anything for him. And I mean, anything.
Has he admitted to you yet that he is a sex addict? Addicts don’t change if they don’t get help. The rouse of sex stimulates that pleasure center of his brain, only, he can’t control it, and he will want more and more. Has he taken you to the annual porn convention yet? Does he already choose the clothes you wear? Does he ask you to go out with him at night not wearing underwear? This is just the beginning.
Has he asked you to pee in front of him on the floor, because he gets a sexual rouse out of it? Has he asked you to urinate on a pile of towels on the bed while inside of you? Have you had a brazilian wax for him? He prefers that because he likes the idea of you being his “little girl”. He wants to feel like he is a “daddy” having sex with his “good girl”. Has he asked you to wear children’s underwear?
I knew none of this when I first married him. After we got married, everything changed. He believed he owned me and he got me to do things for him that were outside the compass of my dignity and morals. How is the group sex? Has he taught you how to eat pussy? Does he like to watch? Are you his porn star? Does he keep photos and videos of you nude and in sexy lingerie? Does he find men and women for you to have sex with on Craigslist and on Backpage? Has he pimped you out to men for financial gain? It’s not about the money or the sex at this point. It’s about the control.
Do you watch pornography together? Does he stay up late at night feeding his sex addiction by looking at porn? Don’t let him fool you. He says he loves you. He buys you gifts and nice things to own you. He earns your trust and loyalty, and then he betrays that which we call the marital bond.
Maybe you like having an open relationship with him. Maybe you don’t know that when he goes on business trips alone, he solicits paid girls to come to his hotel room to perform sexual acts for him. Maybe you think that you have a monogamous relationship. It won’t last. He can’t control it. He will have girlfriends on the side and you will either be okay with it or you won’t, or you simply won’t know.
You are probably thinking of carrying his children. Just beware if you have a girl. Don’t let her become a victim of abuse, manipulation and coercion. I tell you this as a warning, because he likes little girls. He likes watching them pee and modeling in little girl underwear. He will buy her revealing and “sexy” clothes at an inappropriate age. But don’t let her get molested. Fight for her. Don’t leave her alone with him. Please, if you do anything, don’t leave her alone with him.
Does his mother come over to clean your home? Does she still wash and iron his shirts? I know, she can be rather intrusive. That’s because she doesn’t want to let her “little boy” go. She would do anything for him, just as I, in a different way, did everything for him.
Don’t let it destroy you. Don’t let this relationship take away your sense of self. Set boundaries early on in the marriage. Don’t let him control you. Stand up for what you think is not right. Somewhere inside of me, I would hope that he would have the ability to change, to become a better man and a better person. But he is not. And that is why he drove me to attempting suicide, not once, but multiple times. It took me five years to get to that point. Don’t let this relationship rob you of your life.
I will always be around if you need someone to talk to 5 to 10 years from now. You are not alone.