Today is Christmas Eve and it is still light outside. I have Christmas music playing. I am in very comfy clothes with my legs crossed on a couch with my laptop in my lap. Emotions come and go, but I still remain. I must often remind myself of this imperative phrase. My therapist taught it to me.
Last night I cried. For good reason, I think. I want my Mum to see a therapist. I want her to be able to live her life fully and for her to heal the hurts of the past as I have done and am doing. But therapy isn’t for everyone, and the person has to want it themselves. So, I won’t go into it. But it still makes me feel sad.
Two of my friends from Switzerland sent me Christmas greetings in the physical mail. I only got around to sending out cards to people locally in the U.S. I will have to write them nice emails some time. Luckily they speak English as I have forgotten much of my German.
I am trying my best to keep my mood afloat today. I want to feel happy, calm and content, and that means focusing on positive thoughts. I was reading some emails I had sent to my therapist earlier in the year and it is apparent that my mental health has improved a great deal. I used to cry a lot more, I used to choose to not get out of bed or eat or shower on weekends. I was much more depressed. Life was a lot more difficult to live.
The main part of my diet in the last three days at my Mum’s house has consisted of bread and brie cheese. It has been lovely. Since I drove here I was able to bring whatever I wanted, like my decent-sized and really soft teddy bear, which is actually an elephant, and I have been holding on to it to comfort myself, as I do every night. Mum took me for our favourite walk around a lake today and we held hands together and smiled and talked. I think she did most of the talking, and it was nice to connect. I know she actually doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to. Every time we walk around this lake, which is seldom, she tells me about my late father and about how when they were dating they used to take walks there, have picnics, and watch the sunset. Those are very sentimental and special memories and stories for me to hear.
I have nothing special to say. I have nothing else to share. I am simply writing to fill my life with meaning, my day with joy, and the world with words. Words can make a difference and they are worth writing down and sharing if it touches just one person. Thank you for reading my continued story, and Happy Christmas.