It’s Friday night and the feeling’s right… No, no, no. That’s all wrong. Those are just song lyrics, not how I feel. I feel down. I feel like it was a hard week. I feel as if I need to describe the end of the week, because of work, shitty. I just feel down. Maybe it’s not just work. Maybe it’s because my psychotherapy session last night was really challenging and I didn’t have energy to do anything but sleep a lot afterwards. I’ve gone to bed around 8:00 PM for the last two nights, and have slept at least 10 hours each night.
My roommate has bright lights on in the house this evening, she is making noise and cleaning, and on the phone laughing and being silly. I just want her to stop! I’m not in the mood for this. I need dim lights and quiet time. I still find it difficult to not share my food with her, but she doesn’t reciprocate, so there’s no need to offer her my food. If I do I’ll just start feeling resentful again, and I’ll feel as if I’m being used even though it’s me making the choice to share my things. We already have to share an apartment with each other. Why share more?
My book rental for abnormal psychology arrived today. It’s over 600 pages and we’ll be covering that in a semester, just under four months. I look forward to learning. I know school is hard. Sometimes it’s difficult to get the motivation to study, like this week. I have been slacking on my school work. My roommate finally told me not to talk to her about it any more because hearing about it is giving her anxiety. Now I don’t have anyone but my therapist to talk to about my frustrations with school.
I had to distract myself from the negative feelings I was getting from writing this. I turned to social media and all over it are posts about the Women’s March on Washington. I’ll be going to the local march that is organized here in my city downtown. It will be raining but that’s not going to stop any of us!
I’m actually really feeling down right now though. At least I can look forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow. I really need to see him. I was going to go a week without seeing him but I just can’t do it. I can’t deprive myself of having him in my life, and for now, that means seeing him three times a week and forever writing daily emails, if not more. I can do this. I can make it through the weekend, and to the end of this intercession class. My final exam is next week already and I probably have about 100 pages of the textbook left to read.
I don’t know what I’m going to do right now to make myself feel better. “Think positive” mantra isn’t working for me right now. At least I’m managing to stay away from alcohol even though my roommate is drinking a beer, which makes drinking more desirable, when I see others doing it. Why not just one? One turns into two. Two turns into suicidality. That’s why I stay away.