Am I ready?

The answer to this question is very clear to me. I am not ready to go to school to get my Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) degree. Hey, see, I’m only 35 now and I’m still struggling with my own trauma which lasted for six years and ended seven years ago. That’s over a decade of first having the trauma happen to me, then suffering endlessly from major depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. People can go back to school when they’re 50, right? Meaning, I have time. I have plenty of time to become a healer, but right now I need to be healed and trust me, I’ve been working on it.

My last suicide attempt wasn’t much more than six months ago. That’s not very long. I know it would take me five years to finish school, and that would give me healing time, but what would life be like without stress? Without school? What would life be like if I just lived my life, without adding extra “stuff” to my plate? What would life be like if I could just focus on myself and my poetry and not have stress and anxiety? Just imagine. Is that so hard to imagine? For me, it is really is hard to imagine. What could my life be like if I just lived it like a “normal” and “average” person.

You see the trouble is, I’m not just average, and that does bode for trouble. I have all of these dreams, ambitions and desires. Depression and PTSD didn’t kill my dreams, although it has inhibited them. I still like to do things, and I still do things. I have my volunteer job with kids that I go to twice a month. That gives me joy and fulfillment. I really like it and I’m really lucky to have that volunteer job. Not everyone qualifies to work with children, but I passed the requirements and now I belong to this really cool organization that helps at-risk children. I have a connection. Tell me that’s not cool.

I just applied to a company and had an interview. It’s a Sales Assistant position, which is what I do now, but instead of working with Financial Advisors I would work with a cybersecurity company. The job would be a lot more stressful and would require me to do overtime every week but there is growth potential with that company. However, I don’t even know yet if I will get a job offer. I have no idea, although I think that the interview went okay.

I have all of these options. Do I stay in my graduate program and take just one class for a whopping $2,600 including books (that’s the price of just one class at this private university) or do I take a class for fun at a Junior College for a mere $300 and just have fun with it? Or do I take no classes and just enjoy my life and go to more poetry readings around town with my free time?

Thinking long-term I might apply to an MBA (Masters in Business Administration) program, especially if I do get the new job because they may offer tuition assistance, and then it doesn’t make sense to not do it, because, while working for them I could work towards a higher degree, it just wouldn’t be in psychology. I can always do my clinical psychology program at a later time in life, and gosh, I think I will. But not right now. Do you concur, or do you think I should continue with my MFT program? Your thoughts are valuable to me and I would be curious to know what you think about all of this… Thanks, Depression Muse signing out.