It’s Sunday and I went out to a street fair. I actually went out. Rather than sleeping, I got up, successfully, and got out of the house. It’s a sunny climate and I am never in the sun. But today I was. I got a henna tattoo. It’s on my inner left forearm and it is covering up some scars, which are a constant reminder of my dark past and healing journey.
I think I feel happy. I did something today and I spent time with another person, and I was around a big crowd of people. Even just a year ago I couldn’t fathom being around so many people in a large crowd with little personal space and wiggle room. It would have raised too much anxiety and I would have been afraid for my safety. But today, I stepped boldly into the sea of young families and sifted my way up and down the aisles of outdoor stands selling food and jewelry and homemade art. I spent a good five hours out of my house. I added one more positive memory and experience to my life. I am going to give myself credit for doing something good today.
Next week I have a schedule conflict. At the time that I would normally be seeing my therapist, I have an interview scheduled. My 62-year-old semi-retired professor friend is introducing me to his 84-year-old friend, who is apparently a hoot, but cannot get out lately due to a recent back surgery. For my class on ageing, death, and dying, my final project is to interview an older person and then present it in 15 minutes to my class. I am looking forward to this project. It should be fun. I am actually looking forward to things in my life, and planning things in my future. For the longest time I was only able to live from day to day and planning ahead would have been too taxing on my emotions. So, unusually, I am going to skip my therapy session. I seem to generally be coping much better now. As long as I keep on this positive streak.
It has been almost nine months now since I’ve had my job. I wasn’t sure if they would keep me on, but they seem to be pleased with the work that I am doing and I feel more comfortable now. I can honestly say I feel as if it’s a stable job. It’s the first real stability I’ve had in the last five or more years.
I just spent half an hour going through my phone contacts list and deleting people I no longer know or want to know. It’s good to do that every now and then. I have my core group of people around me and the rest lies to the wayside. Sometimes it feels good to get rid of connections to the past.