A Letter to my Therapist

To My Therapist,

I don’t understand why I keep looking to the past. Why I can’t just stay in the present. It’s like I’m trying to look for some kind of proof. Something that proved something. Only, I don’t know what that is. Why did I go back through my emails and download old modeling photos of myself? Why did I look at those photos from 2008 and the years surrounding it? What was I looking for? What do I want to prove? Who do I want to prove it to? Why why why why why.

I wrote a blog today. That prompted me to look at past blogs. I skimmed them. I don’t know if it does me any good to read what I’ve already written. Gotten my thoughts and feelings out once. Why read those words again and potentially dredge up old feelings again? Why can’t I leave it alone. Do you know I was abused? Raped? Sold for sex? Of course you do. You’ve been listening to me talk for over ten years. But I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. The one thing I do know and believe is that you will never leave me. One day you may retire but you will still be there. One day you may no longer be on earth but everything you have taught me will be a part of me still then. Feelings come and go and I remain. That’s the most important thing I have learned from you. I want you to tell me that phrase over and over again. I won’t get mad at you. It won’t get old. Tell me, please. Tell me that my feelings will come and then they will go. Tell me that I will still remain in existence.

I didn’t kill myself. “Not yet.” At least, I haven’t killed myself yet. But the funny thing is, and there is nothing funny about it, that I don’t want to kill myself anymore. Not right now. I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die.
Tonight I ate a lot of cheese and carbs. I had Trader Joe’s gorgonzola gnocchi microwaved from frozen. I ate the whole packet. Then I had a slice of cheesecake, which I defrosted from the freezer by leaving it out on the counter for a while. It was pretty good! I enjoy food. Eating food is a part of living. I am alive. I do what living people do. I eat and poop and go to work and sleep and get up the next day and do it again. I do what living people do, which means that I must be alive and living. I never thought I would make it this far. I never thought that I would, in 2021, still be alive. The grand master plan was to be dead long ago. But that didn’t happen.

Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being my one person audience. Thank you for always reading the words that I write and for never giving up on me. Thank you for allowing me to reschedule our next appointment although I would have much rather kept the appointment, but I am prioritizing seeing my brother over seeing you. Living people also have priorities. I make priorities. I decide what gets to happen in my life. My life, my choice. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t have to have sex with anyone if I don’t want to. I get to decide now. I get to make those decisions. I get to see you, or not. I get to be me. I get to keep on living.

Talk to you soon.

Having Anxiety About Money Worries

Money. Why do I always worry about money? What is it? I have had high anxiety about this topic for several days now. I even considered renting out my bedroom and sleeping on my couch in order to save some money. I make a decent income. But my monthly expenses are high and I do not save money each month. I’m in the negative. I don’t know what to do. I mean, yes, stop buying clothes and stop travelling to see my family. But the latter isn’t going to happen, I need to see my family. That’s several hundred each trip. Then I just keep watching the level of my bank account go down, and down, and down.
I’ll be getting a refund from my Healthcare Flexible Spending Account and that will help. But it won’t make up for the extra $3,000 I’ve spent this year that I probably shouldn’t have spent. After taxes and health insurance, I make $650 a week. That’s enough, right? But lately I’ve had appointments here and there and I’ve been working 32 hours a week and my weekly income has gone down to $450. That’s not good.
If I made $80k, that would be amazing!! Unless I lived in a place where the cost of living is much higher. But my training, education, and such warrants that my salary is much less. Plus, it’s not a salary. It’s hourly pay. So if I take some hours off, then I don’t get paid. If I made more money, I could be putting away some of that income for my retirement. But I’m not. I’m not saving for retirement. How do people do it? How do they make ends meet? What the hell am I doing with my life??
I need to talk to my therapist. I know. That’s it. I just need to talk to him. But he’s in between moving offices so we have a phone call scheduled but I don’t get to see him in person. It’s far better than nothing. And I’m hungry. I’m not trying to not eat but I’m just going to sit with the hunger for a while. Because in an hour I take my lithium and I always have to eat with that or I become nauseous and throw up.
It has been 10 weeks since my last episode of suicidal ideation. Ten weeks with no crisis. It’s amazing. It feels amazing. I really think the lithium is helping because nothing else really has changed in my life other than that I have been dating men here and there. I just went to a training on working with transgender individuals of colour and the challenges they face. It was inspiring. Now I’m considering dating women again. I don’t know! I just want to be happy. And it would be nice to find a partner to get through the ups and downs of life with. But that hasn’t happened yet. Not yet.
I’m going to be okay. Positive self-talk. Everything is going to be okay in the end. I don’t need to rent out my money. I just have to keep working hard and keep doing what I am doing, and eventually, all of this hard work will pay off. I will be able to get pregnant and have a child and find more of my purpose in life by being a mother. I will be taking two infant and toddler classes this Fall at a junior college. I can’t wait to see what I’ll be learning. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s nice to have things to look forward to. Really nice.